Saturday, December 17, 2005

Letting go...

Today, i bagged up every last scrap of all the maternity and nursing clothes i have held onto so desperately. It was like removing scraps of skin from my body, to tell the truth. I WAS going to Ebay a lot of it, some new with tags, but have not had the energy to do so. Well, the clutter of them sitting in my office has been a real psychic drain on me,and i decided i had to get ruthless and rid myself of them, once and for all. There is a lot, because not only did i have a great deal left from my pregancy with Sophia, i had collected many things from thrift stores and such for the past two years, thinking surely i would soon be pregnant again and be so grateful to have inexpensive, nice pants and cute tops for three dollars, etc.

For a long time, i kept these things not just because the thrifty, pack-rat side of me kept insisting it would be criminal to get rid of such great stuff that i would surely be using soon. But also? I felt a bizarre kind of guilt, and came to believe that getting rid of all these pieces of cloth would be scrapping my last hopes for another child, that I would be in some mystical way letting myself down. No more of that. In fact, i DO still have hope, even if it is but a faint whisper of the boundless optimism i started out with. I found a local pregnancy center that i admire very much for its quiet but definite purposefulness in my community, and the woman had a little orgasm when I told her about all the clothes i had, lol. So, off they go, pretty clothes of good quality that will hopefully lift the spirits of someone who feels beaten and worn and let down by life (gawd that was melodramatic, but y'all know what i mean). I did keep two things that i could NOT bear to part with. One dress, that almost made me break down in tears: It is not a maternity dress, but of such tentlike proportions that it was my very favorite article of clothing. Bright lilac linen that barely skimmed my overripe belly in my tenth month of pregnancy (yes, the bastards don't tell you that it's not any goddamn NINE months). I was wearing it when i went to the hospital to have Sophia, and i need to keep it. Maybe one day she will have the cool and floaty pleasures of wearing it, even if it is as shapeless as a sack, ha. The other was just a cute empire waisted non-maternity dress that i think i will wear this summer, just for the hell of it (it totally makes me look pregnant but i don't give a shit).

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