Friday, December 02, 2005


There is a very profound Scripture, by St Paul (i am the sucky kind of Christian who is incapable of remembering exact references, leave me alone) that says 'I have learned, in whatsoever state i am, there with to be content'.

Well, i've come to a decision, one that will change the way i answer people when they ask if we want more children. I am now only going to answer "We are so happy with the one that God has given us. If he wants to give us more sometime, that'd be Ok, too". I feel that will completely satisfy the casual asker, and derail any depressing and morbid discussions that might arise about my baffling inability to concieve again.

Oh, i forgot to mention: I have secondary infertility, as yet unexplained, because i have been unable to pay for more extensive testing. We think that part of the problem is possibly hostile cervical fluids (yeah, they're bad mofos, those fluids). Anyway, it's been two years and a couple of those goddamn chemical pregnancies but nothing more. And it hurts. It hurts like an untended broken tooth... sometimes it is quiescent and i think maybe the pain is gone for good... other times it throbs dully and wakes me up at night... and still other times it takes my breath away with a white hot bolt of agony.

But maybe, just maybe... if i PRETEND to be content true peace will come. I know that the lesson i'm supposed to be learning is to wait on God and his ultimate, perfect timing. That's the main lesson of my life... i am impulsive and keenly want immediate gratification. I mean, everyone does but with me it's like a sickness. And i haven't yet learned.

I have railed against God, I have abused the body that refuses to give me another life to love. I have wept and keened, I have tried to drink and smoke away the pain (ooooh, deep dark secrets, folks). All for naught. The reality is still the same. And so is God, who gives all good things to those that love him. The end.


Blogger Elena said...

You probably already know this, but just in case not - have you tried cough syrup? There is an ingredient, guafenesin, that works to loosen mucus and it works on cervical mucus in the reproductive tract just like it does when you have a cold in your nose and chest!

Here's one article about it

At least it's something inexpensive to try! Best of luck to you and your family.

6:50 PM  

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